love

You and Me – Love (Part One)

R and Me

R and Me

Love- A deep affection for another person

Love is something that we feel when we are in a relationship. It can be in   different forms depending on who our object of affection is .  Love between a parent and a child,  between siblings and spouses differ. 

Our love can be our source of joy and pride. It can also be at the same time  what that causes us anguish and pain. You can say that it can be a double edge sword at times which can really cut you till you feel the grinding of your bones from within.

In the previous post – Where Do we Begin I mentioned  how my concepts about relationships were formed during my childhood years and how it has affected me in my current relationships. In this post I will be touching on how I feel towards love.

It all starts with a spark.  A connection which is felt between on individual and another.  The catalyst which starts off a chemical reaction that may lead to unforeseen results. (Good or bad)

Everyone’s experience in Love differ  together with their perception.  I don’t profess to be a love guru and do not have the answers  to all the questions that you may have regarding this subject.

What I have though is my personal experience in handling the different types of love- romantic, friendship and kinship which I will be sharing with you.

 Man are from Mars ,Women are from Venus

I’m sure you may have heard of these sentences before if you have read the books by John Gray.  It’s amazing how two opposites attract and click with each other.  It takes a lot of understanding and tolerance to be able to accommodate another person into you life.  The changes made are permanent and may be irrevocable irregardless if the person remains in your life or not.

Scenery captured by R during his recent NZ trip

Scenery captured by R during his recent NZ trip

 If there is no love there will be no reason for a person to want to be together with another. There is no yearning to stand by the other person through thick and thin and brave all the battles and obstacles together.  This is certainly the case for romantic relationships.

R and I have been together for  18 yrs and married for 13.  You can say that I have known him half my life and we have been through many  different obstacles together.  It is an on-going learning process as we both strive to keep an equilibrium.

Being open and able to compromise plays an important part in building a relationship.  Many problems start because of assumptions on the part of one person that the other person understands his/her train of thought.

What I have learned so far that is is absolutely important to be very explicit when dealing with the opposite sex. They need everything to be written down word for word to be able to fully comprehend what you want to convey to them. They do not know how to mind read and really need to be shown step by step what is required to be done.

R and I have had our fair share of communication breakdown and still do have constant disagreements on certain issues. Many a times tempers fly because one party feels that they have been slighted or been unfairly judged.

Sometimes I get so flustered and worked up that it stresses me up big time. You can be so angry that you find it extremely difficult to communicate with the other person.  It is hard to talk and act calmly or behave rationally.

It is during moments like that I rely heavily on non-verbal methods of communication like using Whatsapp and e-mail to communicate with him.  It is too painful to talk face to face as I’m sure that whatever I wish to say may come out wrong in the end. Putting things down in writing helps to defuse the negative feelings that that I am feeling and helps me calm down.

I don’t believe in playing the part of the demure and subservient wife and being LORD over. I do need to live my own life and not a life that is dictated by others.

Even though I do know that it is important to take the other person’s feelings and needs into consideration. It is really a very delicate matter which requires a lot of pondering about to find the best solution for the issue on hand.

Not all conflicts that we have had were amicably solved.  I admit that I can be extremely stubborn at time and refuse to go along with another person’s point of view.  Unless the other person can clearly present his  case with all the supporting evidence, I will not be convinced and won’t go along with his explainations.  I don’t believe in blindly following suit and doing things just because according to you ” It IS the best way to do it” when I feel otherwise.

I’m skeptical and unless you are able to show me how it will bear the results I want, I would want the other person to respect and accept my opinion and way of doing things.

Because of these differences we have we decide that for certain matters  that we will not argue on it but both of us go about it dealing with it using our own methods especially if it is related to the kids.

Showing appreciation for each other is something that we are doing more these few days.  I have found that showing appreciation on a daily basis does help to diffuse any tension that may have been building up through the week.

 These few days I cook more and am experimenting with various different cuisine as I know R does appreciate a  healthy home cooked meal. I’m also actively trying to build up a range of common interests with him so that we have a broader range of topics to talk about which is not kid related.

I guess that it takes time, trial and error to get to know what works and what doesn’t work in a relationship.

How is it between you and your partner?

 

In the next follow up post on LOVE I will be sharing my thoughts  on friendship and kinship. 

 

Post in this series.

1)  You and Me Equals US ( An Introduction)

2) You and Me- Where Do We Begin?

3)You and Me- Love (Part One)

4) You and Me- Love (Part Two)

5) You and Me- Anger and Frustration

6) You and Me- Talking about GOD

7) You and Me- Let’s Talk about Money

8) You and Me- What Now?

You and Me- Where Do We Begin?

A box of sweet treats- Japanese Daifuku

A box of sweet treats- Japanese Daifuku

Like a box of sweets you anticipate the sweetness as you enter into a relationship.  You are attracted by it’s colors and can’t wait to taste it as you embrace the prospects of being of a deeper understanding with another individual.

It’s complicated and can be confusing  at the same time. Things are not always rosy and sometimes when you reach a crossroad you know that there are decisions that have to be made.

You know that you have to do it THIS way and not THAT way as it will certainly not be to your benefit to do so otherwise.  You feel torn as you wish for an amicable solution to the problem but it is just not going to happen.

Is this how you are currently feeling?

Each of us come into relationships with our own “baggage”. The experiences that we have from our childhood years shape our perception on how and what a relationship should be like and what we can expect out of it.

Let me start of by giving you a brief  inside on my family background and how my thoughts about relationships were formed.

I was born into a traditional Chinese family where one there is a lot of emphasis on the traditional hierarchy and respect for the elderly.  We  meet up with the extended family and relatives rather infrequently and only doing major occasions like Christmas, Chinese New Year and on my grandparents birthdays.

You can say that I come from quite a conservative family where everyone is “suppose” to follow and obey the matriarch’s wishes.  Males were also more “favored” then females and I have seen my fair share of  extended family dramas while growing up. Inequalities and unfairness are tolerated just for the sake of “peace” in the family.

My immediate family consists of four members- My mum, dad, elder sister and me. My mum and dad divorced when I was a teenager and I stayed with my mum till I got married. They are back together  now as a couple but the dynamics are now different.

I’ve always have had a close relationship with my mum even though I don’t see eye to eye with her on several issues. You can say that we have a rather cordial relationship and that I’m extremely grateful that she has always been there for me whenever I needed her to be.

My Dad and I used to be really close when I was little however since the divorce the distance between the two of us had increased. You can say that he is no longer the first one that I turn to if I need some advise of assurance. I turn to R instead.

My elder sister is three years older then me. . You can say that having a elder sister must have been fun as one gets to share clothes and confide in each other however I did not experience any of these.   I find it hard to communicate with each other as our thinking is not on the same level.

She suffered  from Febrile Fits   and had Ankyloglossia when she was young.  The medications and speech therapy that she had to go through affected her  comprehension and ability to behave  like  a person her age.  You can say she is stuck  with a mental age of a 8-10 year old and certain things are really beyond her.  I’m grateful that she does have a job and is able to live a simple and peaceful life.

I used to be the ” Yes” person and followed blindly what the elders had decided for me. I believed that they had my best interest in heart and I should be obedient and listen to what they have planned.

However since I went overseas to study during my University years I started questioning myself on what is the value of having such a subservient attitude in my relationships that I have.  What do I benefit out of it? Why do I feel indignant having to do so?

I guess that you can say the rebel within me was surfacing and I was reflecting on my current state in life.

I no longer wanted to do things because of explanations like  ” It is good for you and I know best”  and  ” I helped/did so many things for you in the past so you must do this for me.”

 Being older doesn’t equate that the person is wiser.

Even though he/she may think he has your best interest at that point in time but only  you, YOURSELF, know what is the best for you.  Everyone is entitled his opinion but at the end of the day only the person at the crux of the matter should be the one deciding what he/she wants.

I  refused to give in to emotional blackmail and what I consider to be illogical reasoning. I believe that a relationship is a two way street and both parties have to put in effort to maintain it.

You don’t  give because you expect something in return but because of your goodness of your heart.  I don’t want my kids or  love ones to harbor any resentment towards me because I’ve been high-handed in the way I have handled matters. This shouldn’t be the way and it is something which I certainly do not wish to cultivate.

What is your outlook towards relationships?

 

 

Post in this series.

1)  You and Me Equals US ( An Introduction)

2) You and Me- Where Do We Begin?

3)You and Me- Love (Part One)

4) You and Me- Love (Part Two)

5) You and Me- Anger and Frustration

6) You and Me- Talking about GOD

7) You and Me- Let’s Talk about Money

8) You and Me- What Now?