October 21, 2014

You and Me – Anger and Frustration

Dominique Parenting and Kids, Parenting Views love, Relationships, Series

Monkey boy and Doggie boy back in 2009

When you are in a relationship one experiences both the good and bad of it. The Joy, the happiness, the anger and the anguish.

Different emotions which are felt at the various stages of your life as you experience help one grow. Even though certain emotions that you feel may be more intense then the other it is necessary to work through each and every one of them to be able to fully understand why they were there in the first place.

In this installment I will be focusing on these two emotions Anger and Frustration and how it can hamper or strain a relationship if not dealt with properly.

Crying and screaming are inborn mechanisms which a child uses to deal with it’s negative feelings. As he grows older he is able verbalize better and may start using words to express how he feels on top of showing it in his actions.

It takes time to learn how to handle the different emotions and our kids look towards us to teach them the skills to deal with their own outbursts. They look upon us as mentors on how to deal with the anger and frustration they feel therefore it is all the more important we need to model the correct behavior.

ANGER

A strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. It can drive a person insane at times and behave irrationally.

Frustration

The feeling of being upset or annoyed as a result of being unable to change or achieve something.

The kids and I experienced watching a parent behaving badly at a car park a few months back. A father was shouting at the top of his voice at his crying toddler. He was using vulgarities and threats on him while the elder kids and his wife were looking on. It was really appalling behavior and the kids and I were starring at the spectacle that was happening in front of us.

I rushed the kids away from the scene as I didn’t want them to witness more awful language and behavior. While we were walking away I took the opportunity to explain to them what they saw was a parent who was behaving extremely badly in public and shared with them my thoughts on such an awful display.

I told the kids that even though the child may not be on his best behavior and may have done something wrong it is no excuse for the parent to vent his anger and frustration on him and embarrass himself and the child in the process.

It is NOT OKAY. Even though it is valid to feel angry because the child is misbehaving it is NOT OKAY to misbehave yourself. Two wrongs doesn’t make a right and the parent was not showing a good example on how to behave properly.

Harsh/vulgar words should never be use on others as it will only cause the other person to feel resentment toward them and that is why I will not use them especially on the kids even when I am angry and disapprove of their behavior.

Threatening to “throw away the child” and saying words like ” I regret that you were ever born” really feels like putting a stake through the child’s heart and should never have been said. There is no way to take back words once they have been blurted out from the mouth.

It doesn’t make the situation any better and only works to increase the tension and anxiety of that both parties feel. By behaving in such a way ,the parent shows that he doesn’t love the child enough as he doesn’t take into consideration the child’s feelings. There has been a communication breakdown and nothing is being done to repair it.

The parent has inflicted irreparable damage to the bond that he has with his toddler and indirectly showed to the other older kids that by being menacing you can force others to behave the way you want them to and make them submissive due to fear.

He showed the wrong notion that is okay to take out your frustrations on kids when you are an adult. He didn’t address the root of the problem and the issue that he had with the toddler were left unresolved while he taught bad behavior to the other kids.

This is certainly not the way a parent should be behaving!! ( Recalling the scene that I witnessed reminded me that I too need to pay attention to my feelings of anger and frustration least I end up a Monster parent like him.)

No doubt handling a child throwing tantrums is challenging it is not an excuse for the parent to take it all out on a child and belittling him in the process. I know first hand that it can be frustrating being unable to get the child to stop throwing a tantrum. The child is unable to communicate well how he feels and cries and screams non-stop. Nothing that you do seems to be able to pacify him and the situation only magnifies as the seconds tick away.

It is never easy dealing with a whiny/ screaming toddler but by showing your anger it doesn’t make the situation any better. Instead it is a clear indication of you been defeated in handling it.

The kids have felt the brunt of my anger and frustration before and they do know the reason why I have behaved in such a way and even shouted at them at times. I know that I’m not perfect and sometime fail to curb my own anger at times.

However as I learn from my failed experiences I gain tolerance and also show the kids how to validate their own feelings without causing hurt and harm to others.

How do you address

Anger and Frustration?

Post in this series.

1) You and Me Equals US ( An Introduction)

2) You and Me- Where Do We Begin?

3)You and Me- Love (Part One)

4) You and Me- Love (Part Two)

5) You and Me- Anger and Frustration

6) You and Me- Talking about GOD

7) You and Me- Let’s Talk about Money

8) You and Me- What Now?

September 29, 2014

You and Me Equals US- Love (Part 2)

Dominique Parenting and Kids, Parenting Views love, Relationships, Series

Friendship

Love- A complicated feeling that we have that can take on many different meanings. It is a word that is often overused or generalized.

-I Love You (English)

– Saranghae사랑해 (Korean)

– 我爱你(Mandarin)

– 愛しています(Aishitaru)

These are some common expressions of expressing love in the different languages which I come into contact frequently. A three word sentence which can propel you to the moon and back.

Words that make one feel wanted and cherished. Words that show appreciated for being who you are and being part of the other person’s life.

We do not live in a vacuum or bubble. That only occurs in a Science Fiction movie. Even though it is almost possible to do virtually everything online, we still need to interact with others in our daily lives. Nobody is an island and we are interdependent on each other for our survival.

We need others for emotional and mental support. Having them around makes it easier to endure all the obstacles and troubles that we have to go through in life.

In the previous post on romantic love I shared how it was with R now and how we are both working on understanding each other better. In this post I’ll be sharing my thoughts on friendship and kinship.

With my BFF Winnie

Blood is Thicker then Water? Is this really the case?

Kinship vs Friendship. Which one can stand the test of time?

These are some of the questions which have on my mind lately. There is no absolute answer to the above questions as perceptions on Kinship and Friendship differs from person to person.

Loyalty and betrayal are both present in both types of relationships. It all boils down to the individual character of the person.

A person’s trustworthiness and integrity speaks volumes and also determines whether you should still have a relationship with him or break all ties.

It is said that only in your time of need will you know who is actually at your side and who was only just making use of you.

I’ve been through a period of timing finding myself and seeking to understand myself and what I seek in a friend and/ or a kin while noting what is expected of me being a friend and/or a kin.

We hope to reap what we have invested in a relationship however things are not as clear cut when it comes to emotional ties.

Traditionally it is believed that ties from kinship are supposed to run deep and stand the test of time. The expectations are there higher between family and relatives as compared to friends.

It is commonly assumed that family would always there for you and it may not be true in certain circumstances and in the end they are the ones that hurt you the most. I have been played out by both friends and family and have since grown wiser in my choices.

I would rather have one loyal friend then to have a den of backbiting relatives who can’t wait to devour you like a pack of hungry wolves.

I personally take quite a while to warm up and make friends. I’m rather introvert by nature and find it awkward being at a party and having to make small talk with strangers. I’m more of a listener then one who actively speaks out at engagements.

I feel uncomfortable communicating in a big group and rather be out on 1-1 or 1-2 outings. However if there is a need to do presentations of speak to a big group of people I will do my part.

I believe in being there for my friends and assisting them to the best of my ability and I sincerely hope that they do appreciate my efforts.

I’m blessed to have both good friends and also close relatives which I share my thoughts , worries and dreams with. I treasure my relationships with them and make effort to keep in constant contact with them so they will always be part of my life and while I am a part of theirs.