From Dominique- My Parenting Style
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| Doggie Boy when he was a baby |
This week’s writer’s workshop prompt #2 about how do you parent differently than your mother did really got me thinking. It made me think about my parenting style and whether it has been that effective so far.
Growing up is a rather autocratic household it has always been the case that kids are suppose to be seen and not heard. I find that this is rather outdated and very “Tiger Mom” in approach . There is a lot of lacking in understanding on both sides ( parent and child) and that in the end there isn’t a really close bond between both.
My mum was very generous towards us and she really took very good care of us despite the fact that she was working full time as a teacher. However there is one factor which I will certainly not put my kids through- Constant comparison.
She was constantly comparing us to our cousins or her friend’s kids and frankly speaking I HATED it. No doubt I think I tried my best but I’m no A Plus student with a scholarship or have loads of trophies to line the display cabinet in the living room.
Don’t get me wrong that I didn’t benefit from her strict upbringing but at that time it felt that no matter what I did it was “never good enough” and in the end I just couldn’t be bothered as I came around thinking that it was no point trying to “meet unrealistic expectations”. I was better off enjoying what I did achieve and be proud of it.
I guess it boils down to the people in that generation which have the habit of belittling others to make themselves feel ” superior” to others.
Since becoming a mom in 2004 I’ve decided to be a HANDS ON mom and be fully involved in their upbringing. I wanted to be there to witness their milestones and not to miss out on their growing up years. ( I had to put my career on hold and it’s a decision which I have never regretted.)
I want my kids to know me and understand the meaning/reasons behind being strict with them in some instances and not just blinding following through because they were ordered too. No doubt I can be rather authoritive when it comes to seeing them complete certain academic tasks or household chores but I do give them the liberty of choice where permissible.
It would be ideal if the kids are pro-active in helping out and being nice to each other and I’m working towards achieving that. I don’t want any of my kids to feel that they have been sideline by me as they assume that I have a preference for one kid over another.
Jealously builds sibling rivalry and I don’t want to see the aftereffects of the mistakes that my mum and her sisters have made manifest within my kids. Their quarrels and differences have been carried over from one generation to another and as a results my cousins and I are not as close as I would like to be.
Relationships between siblings and independence are something that I will have to help them cultivate. I feel that it’s important to let my kids know their special position within our family which are irreplacable and that all of them are valued members of this family.
I’m constantly reading up and implementing positive parenting practices on my kids. My hope is for them to grow up healthy and balanced with an with a firm understanding about our religion and moral practices.
It’s not an easy task and I’m constantly learning on the job as all the 3 kids have different personalities and preferences. It’s a delicate balance to keep things at equilibrium at home.
How is your parenting style?
May 26, 2011 @ 6:06 am
Nice writing, Dominique. I’m not a parent, but I know that the task of being a parent is not easy. I commended you for always trying to be a good mom, maybe using your own experience to help you in your role. It’s not easy. Keep up the good work as a mom and a writer. Takes a lot of energy to juggle.
May 26, 2011 @ 3:07 pm
@Olive Tree,
thanks for the compliment.
May 26, 2011 @ 1:18 pm
I think that’s an important part of parenting – to make each child feel valued for who they are on their own, not in relation to other people.
I think my parents always had the best intentions, but they were so worried about us making mistakes that they took a lot of choices away from my brother and me. I wish I would have been “allowed” to make more mistakes when I was little, because I think I would have learned about consequences better. When you learn about those things later in life, the consequences are often much more serious!
May 26, 2011 @ 3:07 pm
@Angela,
I definitely agree that making mistakes when young the consequences are lesser and easier to overcome then when the mistake is committed during adulthood. I’m all for the kids learning through gaining their own experiences, surviving mistakes and bad judgement so that in time to come they will be able to make sound decisions in more life changing situations.
May 26, 2011 @ 2:22 pm
Oh well, I hate that comparing thing too! Thank God my parents aren’t like that though I can’t say the same for my MIL.
My parents are never the type that pressure us (there’s only me and my elder brother in the family) into doing anything, nor have they ever raise a hand at us or punish us or anything. And yet, we both turned out alright and I would really want to do the same for my children.
May 26, 2011 @ 3:05 pm
@Jenny,
I’m sure you will be able to do the same for your kids.. nurture them so that they will be able to grow and mature under guidance. My parent’s are still very into the using the rod mentality which I really find doesn’t address the root of the problem.. I do have the cane around but mostly for “Reminder” purposes.
May 26, 2011 @ 3:37 pm
I have a strange family where the mediocre is lauded and the truly great is viewed as something of which to be suspicious. I have tried to teach my children to celebrate their successes in a healthy way. Ah, the joys of parenthood……
May 26, 2011 @ 6:26 pm
My kids are all grown up and have families of their own. I try now to just let them “write their own story”. I am here if they need me, but they have to live their own lives the way they want to live them..
May 26, 2011 @ 8:23 pm
I know that too : constant comparison ! I never did it to my son !
May 27, 2011 @ 7:40 am
I am not much like my mother, either. I’m a very hands on mom, too.
May 27, 2011 @ 1:02 am
I really agree with your statement about giving reasons for being strict in certain cases. This is something that’s a priority for me too – they don’t have to agree with the reasons, but I want them to know there’s some rationale behind our family rules.
May 27, 2011 @ 1:08 pm
@Tawna,
sure no problem.. just drop me an e-mail whenever you need the assistance. 😛
May 27, 2011 @ 9:00 pm
I swore that I would never parent like my mother did. She was totally self-absorbed, and loved to pit us against each other. Then when we grew up and were not close, she hadn’t a clue as to why that was!!! She tried to force us to be together. She was a very controlling woman who really had no respect for us or for our feelings. She only cared about the way our family looked to others.
I learned how NOT to be a parent from watching my mother.
May 30, 2011 @ 9:38 pm
Parenting is such a subjective thing. I started to answer almost like Judie did in her post.
I tried to be the opposite of my mother. I don’t know how I did. I have a very troubled daughter. The other ones seem okay.
This was really a thoughtful link.
You have me much to ponder here.
Thank you.
A+
May 30, 2011 @ 11:58 pm
It’s impossible to be perfect, whatever that might be. It’s best to love and respect each child for who they are, noting each one’s talents and abilities.
My mother was stricter than me in some ways. I tried to set rules that made sense for each occasion and not just blanket ones. for example, curfew. I looked at each event and then set a reasonable time. My child would have had some input in this process.