April 29, 2009

Is the Door Wide Open? Communicating with your Child

Dominique Parenting Views Communication with kids

Photo from Flickr

A little gesture, a warm smile or a tight hug? What do you do to strike a conversation with your kids?

Do your kids see you are welcoming or do they shudder and give you the about turn saying- “No Mummy.. Go Away!!”

Communicating with your child is the first step to get to know him better.

In this busy world of us we get so caught up with the multiple gadgets around us that we tend to ignore the little things which are all so much more important to us.

Make Time

Try to make it a habit to spend some time daily to talk to your child. If it is not possible to be physically present you could send him an e-mail or a text message to let him know that you are interested to know how his day was and willing to share how your day was with him.

Listen Attentively

Every child deserves your full attention. When my boys come to me I will turn and focus on them as they share their highlights of the day.

For my own students in class I will try to give individual attention to them if they do require after I have completed teaching the tasks on hand.

If I am not able to attend to them immediately I will let them know that now is not a convenient time to talk and that they should come back in 5 or 10 minutes time whereby I can give them my full attention without interrupting them when they speak.

Have an Open Mind

Do not be quick to criticize , judge your child or compare your child to others when they speak to you.

Fault finding is the greatest turn off. I personally scoff at having to endure complains and being constantly compared against others.

To put down your child without guiding him on how to improve on his situation/behaviour is really a No-No.

It will really turn them off and they

The constant comparison about how good/clever so and so child is compared to your child does little to motivate him/her. Instead they may turn the other way and just give up trying.

Know your Child

Every child is unique. To really know your child is to be able to focus on his strengths and corresponding weaknesses. To be able to give encouragement and help when they need. To know when to assist and when to withdraw help so they will be able to grow both spiritually and mentally.

If your child knows that you acknowledge his individuality and am willing to link up to him so that both of you are able to understand each other well I’m sure that it will prevent them from keeping secrets from you in future.

Is your door open wide or kept shut?

April 26, 2009

It’s not my fault! – The Blame Game

Dominique Thoughts taking responsibility, the blame game

Photo by Flickr

Very often I hear this excuse from Ryan, ” It not me, Roy did it” Roy would rebutt, ” No.. not me. Kor Kor!” while pointing to the mess on the floor. Does this sound familiar to you? How would you handle such a situation?

It could be a sticky situation a innocent child is being punished for the wrong doing instead of the errant child. The innocent party may build up a grudge against the other party as he is being blamed for no reason. The errant party, on the other hand, may be silently gloating inside for being able to successfully push the blame over to someone else and won’t be repentant.

What would you do?

Punish one child or both?

In the above scenario I would firstly seperate the both boys and privately talk to both of them to hear both of their stories. Next, piece together their stories and analyse to see which one is more credible before meting out the due punishment to the errant party.

Next I would explain to him how important it is to take responsibility for his action and not play the “victim”

Victim- Someone who blames, justifies, makes
excuses for his actions.

When your child plays the “victim” and tried to minimise the negative effect of the problem by conveniently putting the blame of others. He doesn’t have any intention on correcting the errant behaviour as he is trying to believe that it is not his fault that it happened.

Kids Making Excuses

” He made me do it, that’s why the vase is broken”

“I don’t know, it just happened”

” It wasn’t me”

By uttering such words he hopes that the problem will magically disappear and that the would be free from impending punishment. Wishful thinking kid!! The problem doesn’t go away just because you wished it did.

Parents Making Excuses for their kids

Sometimes parents too come up with excuses for their kids to justify their behaviour.

“He picked up vulgar language or bad habits from his friends”

” He didn’t perform well because the teachers didn’t teach him well”

” He is still only a child!!”

” I admit my child is mischevious, but they were picking on him. They were not treating him FAIRLY!! The other kids should be punished too for instigating my child.”

Through making excuses for our child you are telling him that he IS the victim. They will not feel a need to change, or take personal responsibility in any area of their life. After all, they think they are a victim.

This kind of behaviour should never be allowed of encourage especially from parents. It would give the child a false sense of ” security” and make them believe that their parents will always be around to talk them out of any sticky situtation they may land themselves in. It is ineffective and you will be putting yourself into a parenting rut. You have to empower your child to think for himself.

I would tell parents who are constantly making excuses for their child

Stop seeing your child as a victim and blaming others for his individual predicament.

It’s not about “Fault”–It’s about Responsibility

Teaching your child to be responsible for his action is a must if you want him to survive in this world. It is one of the key principles which determines whether he will progress and move forward in live as he grows up. It is also a factor which makes the difference whether we are successful in life and are living meaningful lives.